The Vicar Of Forks
by NZFandomPrincess96
Summary: The episode of "The Handsome Stranger," but with Twilight characters instead. Slightly new dialogue, and a few additional scenes towards the end that weren't in the original.
1. Chapter 1

The Vicar Of Forks- The Handsome Stranger

 **AN: This is a little plot bunny that's been hopping around in my brain for a while. It's strongly based on The Vicar Of Dibley, but with Twilight characters instead. Also, there are going to be a few scenes towards the climax that were never in the episode, but I think they'll work all the same. Although all of my characters are going to be human, Alice is still going to have the ability of seeing some future events.**

 _Theme Song:_

 _The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want_

 _He maketh me to lie down in green pastures_

 _He leadeth me beside the still waters_

 _Still waters..._

In the lovely little town of Forks, in the Washington State of the good old US of A, at the vicarage, another Parish Council Meeting was taking place.

"And I was down to the two boxes. 250 thousand dollars in one box, 10 cents in the other. " Elderly Eric York said with a grin. He was a lovely, elderly, Asian man, but like most of the inhabitants of Forks, he was also completely insane.

"And the banker offered me 100 thousand dollars, and no, no, no, Noel Edmonds, who was doing a special episode here, asked me the question: "Deal or No Deal?""

The other Parishioners all gave him an amused smile.

With a chuckle, Eric carried on. "Well, I wanted a deal. So I said, "No, no, no, no, deal!"" Then he looked a bit crestfallen as he added, "But for some reason that I cannot fathom, they thought I meant "No, no, no, no deal.""

"And what was in your box?" Mike Newton, a farmer asked.

"10 cents," Eric said sadly.

"Right. Any other, other business?" Caius Rathbone, the head of the Council, and certainly the least friendly person, asked.

Their vicar, a lovely, young woman with a big heart by the name of Esme Anne Platt, said, "Yes, actually. I was very cross to hear that Meyer Cottage was sold to yet another lay about Seattleite. I mean, honestly guys, if this goes on, Forks will be a ghost town. And then-" she began, but was interrupted by Jasper Rathbone, Caius' son.

"Who you gonna call?" He asked, and Eric, Mike, and Tyler Crowley, who was in charge of the minutes, all cried out in unison: "Ghostbusters!"

Esme smiled a little, then said, "Yes, well I'd love to know which selfish, mean, "I don't care about the town of Forks," money-grabbing bastard sold the lovely Meyer Cottage in the first place.

"Father did," Jasper piped up, and then added, "For about half a million dollars, wasn't it, Father?"

"Yes, that's right," Caius agreed.

"Oh, that really make my blood boil," Mike grumbled.

"Yeah, you go get him, big boy," Esme encouraged him.

"I only got 80,000 dollars for my converted barn. Now why didn't I get more?" He demanded.

Without batting an eyelid, Caius deadpanned, "Possibly because you converted it into a slaughterhouse, or, as us from Europe call it, an abattoir. "

Caius was half-Grecian, even though he spoke with a flawless British accent, and half American.

"You know what really gets on my tits?" Esme asked, and Mike sat up straighter.

"Now I'm awake," he said with a grin, and Esme lightly slapped him.

"Stop it, Michael. This place is so full of absent townies that nothing goes on here anymore," she pointed out.

"You forget the hurling championships, Esme," Eric reminded her.

"See who can vomit the furthest every Tuesday, bring your own bucket," Mike added.

"And movie nights on Friday," Jasper pointed out.

"Yes, those things are lovely," Esme agreed, "But I think it's time we had some new activities, as well. So, I've decided that I'm going to start an art class and a book club. Would anyone be interested?"

Everyone, with the exception of Caius, happily agreed.

"Oh, good. Well, that's fantastic news," Esme said happily. "Anyone got any other thoughts?"

"Yes, yes, yes," Jasper said happily.

What, what, what?" She asked in delight.

"Well, with so much activity going on, I think we need a town newsletter," he suggested, and she smiled.

"Excellent, Jasper. Classic way of getting all the good people of Forks talking to each other," she beamed.

"Yes, all saying "Have you read this? Absolute rubbish."" Caius said.

"Shush, Caius. It means that everybody can have their own jobs, like Michael," she said, and he responded, "Photography, please. I've have my work accepted by several publications, including Man and Horse magazine."

"Oh, well I'd love to see a copy of that," Esme laughed, but he just looked crestfallen.

"Unfortunately, the Police seized them all," he said a little sadly, but then smiled.

"Eric, agony aunt?" She suggested.

"Can I wear a frock and be called "Erica?"" He asked.

"Yes, if you like," she agreed.

"Alright," he chuckled.

"What about you, Jasper?" She asked.

"Can I do "hard news?"" he inquired.

"I doubt it, but the job's yours anyway," she offered. "Tyler?"

"Can I do a light-hearted, occasional, series about the sematic origins of local landmarks? And film reviews?" He asked.

"No," Esme disagreed. "Caius, what about you?" She asked.

"I'll do the obituary column," He said.

"But it's been years since anybody's died in Forks," she pointed out.

"We live in hope," he deadpanned.

"Well, excellent. We've got a plan, hooray. So, over to you, Caius," she said, letting him take center stage again.

"Ah, yes. There is one little thing: I've brought along a bottle of champagne, because although she may not realize it, the vicar, last weekend, did her 100th wedding while she's been here," he said with a smile.

"Oh, goodness me. 100. So, that's 100 happy, in love brides and grooms. And I'm always the vicar," Esme said, her smile falling as she added, "I'm always in the cassock, never in the lovely, big, white frock," she whimpered.

"Oh, come on. Someone say something to cheer her up," Caius said.

"I'll marry you, dolly knockers," Mike said with a grin.

"Oh, shut up," she groaned.

PAGE BREAK

Later that evening, Alice Rathbone, Esme's verger and Jasper's wife, popped over to visit.

Sitting comfortably on the sofa, she remarked, "I've just read that fantastic new book from the _Bible_."

Distinctly puzzled, Esme asked, "What fantastic new book from the _Bible_?"

Without batting an eyelid, Alice answered, "The _Da Vinci Code_. It's so much better than _Genesis_ and that boring old stuff."

"Hate to tell you, Alice, but the _Da Vinci Code_ is not a new book in the _Bible._ It's just a story," she explained.

Alice, lovely and mad as she was, like most the inhabitants of Forks, sighed. "Oh, that is so disappointing."

"I know."

"To think the Catholic Church has fooled you too, Mrs. Gullible. That's what they want you to believe. And I've been thinking," she said thoughtfully.

"Ooo, always a worry."

"Well, you know how Jesus married Mary Magdalene, and how their descendants are still alive today, only their true identities are hidden in these Da Vinci Codes?" She asked.

Esme cringed. "I have a horrible feeling I know where you're going with this."

"And you how Mary Magdalene is the chalice that received Jesus' seed?" She carried on.

"Yep, you're going there," Esme clarified.

"Well, the code is so obvious. What name rhymes with chalice?" she asked, pointing to herself.

Esme looked at her. "Let me get this straight. You believe that you, Alice, are the direct descendant of Jesus Christ?"

Alice nodded. "Well, it's to come to any other conclusion with the evidence available. I mean think about it. Why have I had so many children?"

"Because you don't know how condoms work," Esme cried.

"No, because my quest is to populate the Earth with God's children," she disagreed.

Esme sighed in annoyance, but Alice wasn't quite finished yet. "And, here's the clencher: When I first asked my mother who my real father was, why did she say "God knows?""

"Look, Alice," she began, but was interrupted.

"Do not worry, my child. The knowledge that I am Christ's offspring on Earth will not change me," Alice said lightly.

"Well, that's a shame. Meanwhile, back in the REAL world, I'm off to Meyer Cottage to visit that new bloke. Want to come with me?" Esme offered.

Alice smiled. "Oh, lovely. Only, you're not going there to welcome him to our happy community. You're going to tell him that you're fed up with rich Seattleites coming in and taking over the town. And that he can either get stuck in or sod off," she said, seeing what Esme was more than likely going to say to him.

"That's it in a nutshell," Esme agreed. "Come on, let's give him a piece our mind," she said, but then added, "actually, on second thoughts, I'll just give him that piece of my mind, shall I? Because you haven't got much to spare."

"You are such a tease," Alice laughed.

"No, seriously, you haven't," she said, as they made their way down the lane. Once they reached Meyer Cottage, a lovely light blue building, Esme knocked.

After having waited for a few seconds, she grumbled, "Typical. So damn snotty. Mr. Seattleite can't even be bothered answering the door to us."

"We absolutely hate him, don't we?" Alice asked.

"We loathe him, and everything he stands for," she said, just as the door was opened, and Esme just about gasped.

 _I must be dreaming_ , she thought to herself. _There's no way he's real_.

 **AN: I loved writing this, and got a laugh out of doing so, too. Hope you enjoy it 🙂**

SJS


	2. Chapter 2

Meeting The Handsome Stranger

 _Previously:_

 _I must be dreaming, she thought to herself. There's no way he's_ real.

Whatever Esme had envisioned, it certainly wasn't this. Standing before them was the most gorgeous man she'd ever met. He was perhaps a few years older than she was, he was tall, blonde haired and blue eyed. He greeted them both with a beaming smile, and a very cheerful call of "Hello."

"Hello," both greeted him with a grin.

"Do you want to come in?" He offered.

Very eagerly, and leaving Alice behind, Esme said, "Yes, lovely."

As they headed in, Esme gushing over how lovely the place was, the man headed over to a big pile of boxes, and lifted one out of the way.

"Sorry it's a bit of a mess," he apologized. "I just moved out of this stupid big flat in Seattle, so it's going to be a bit of a squeeze trying to find a place for everything to fit. So, if there's anything you like the look of, just steal it, and I wouldn't be any the wiser." He chuckled.

"Oh, really? " Alice asked, and Esme rolled her eyes.

'No, not really, " she said, just as the stranger remembered something he hadn't done.

"Oh, I'm Carlisle, by the way." He introduced himself. "Sorry, all over the shelf today."

"Nice to meet you, Carlisle. I'm Esme, and I just live down the lane."

"Excellent!" He smiled, shaking hands with her.

"I'm Alice," Alice introduced herself.

"Splendid!" He smiled and shook her hand, too.

"Well, what a surprise to actually receive a visit from a neighbor. I lived on the same street in Seattle for ten years. Not once did the bell ring, not even salesmen." He said.

"We had a bell like that once. We wired it wrong," Alice said, and Carlisle fought the urge to laugh.

"So, Carlisle, lots of books," Esme gestured around and he nodded.

"Yeah, I'm a bit of a bibliophile. And I just love books. One of my biggest weaknesses," he said with a smile.

"Me, too," Alice said.

"Ignore her," Esme said, but he didn't.

"Excellent, what's your favorite book?" He asked with interest.

"No, really, ignore her," Esme said, but Alice just answered the question anyway.

"Hmm, its a toss between " The Lion , The Witch, and the Wardrobe, " and the "Story of the Mole Who Knew it was None of His Business."" She said.

"Can't say that I know that second one," he confessed.

"Oh, it's great! Its a modern mystery thriller. Someone , and we don't know who, has done a poo on the head of the little mole," she said.

"It's about a poo ," Esme explained, and Carlisle smiled in amusement.

"Your accent doesn't sound completely American, by the way," Esme said.

"That's because I'm not American. Yes, I live here, but I originate from London," he explained.

"I see," Esme said with a smile. "What are your favorite books, Carlisle?"

"Oh, pretty traditional stuff, really. Love Shakespeare and Dickens, and I'm quite fond of " The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe, " He smiled.

"Shut up," Alice grinned back at him.

"And what about you, Esme?" He asked.

"Well. I love " The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe, " she began.

"Shut up," Alice grinned.

"Also, I'm quite fond of the Bible," she finished.

"Lovely," Carlisle smiled.

"Oh, I also like to devour, figuratively speaking, a good Jane Austen book. Sense and Sensibility is my favorite one. Good ending, where she gets swept off of her feet by a handsome stranger after a few juicy fistfights and a terrible misunderstanding," she said.

With a smile, Carlisle asked, "That ever happen to you around here? Any handsome strangers ever sweep you off of your feet, Esme?"

She shook her head. "No, no. Not yet, at least."

"Well " he said, almost huskily. "There you go." They got lost in each others gaze for sometime afterwards.

"Right,* Esme said, before Carlisle snapped out of it.

" Sorry, sorry. " He said, moving another box. "Do sit down. You entered with a great sense of purpose, what can I do for you?"

"Oh! Sorry, I almost completely forgot. We just came by to say "Welcome to the village." All Comers all welcome here in the bosom of my bosoms," she said and Carlisle stifled a laugh.

"That's our village motto. I think that was it, wasn't it, Alice?" She asked.

"Yeah, apart from the bit about being fed up to the back teeth with you Seattleite bastards coming in and taking over our village and destroying our local community with your smug selfishness." She said.

Shocked, Esme nodded. "Yeah, apart from that bit, you Seattelite bastard."

However, due to the lack of malice in either of their voices, Carlisle knew they were joking, and bade them a cheerful farewell.

PAGE BREAK

"Well, how do you think that went?" Alice asked.

"Well, it went fine until the minute we both called him a bastard, and that he's a lovely man," Esme said.

"I quite agree, and I detected sexual tension in there," Alice smirked.

"Did you really?" Esme asked.

"He definitely fancied me," Alice grinned, and Esme raised an eyebrow.

"Right?" she asked.

"Yeah, the way he kept staring at you and avoiding looking at me. Classic."

"I see."

"I feel I've bewitched him as I bewitch all men, and I stole some great stuff."

Esme spun around as her verger showed her books and a kitchen wand.

"ALICE!" She cried, truly scandalized.

"It doesn't count, 'cause I'm without sin," Alice defended herself.

Very sternly, Esme said, "Take that stuff back to him right now."

Alice huffed, but did as she was told.

"Although, I'll have that kettle. Alice. It's lovely," she added with a grin.


End file.
